Motherhood is unquestionably the most challenging piece of my life. While it has brought out some of the best parts of me, parts that I didn't even know were there until venturing into this journey, it has also, I regret to even admit, brought out some of the worst. At the end of each day when I kneel in prayer I feel like a broken record, begging for forgiveness for moments of disrespect directed towards my children. Moments of harsher-than-intended consequences, unkind words spoken through impatience and tiredness, choosing to do less important things over playing games and reading stories, not being "there" and not absorbing the moment enough because of mental distractions, selfish feelings about myself deserving more, selfish actions acting upon those feelings, letting anger over-rule patience, the list goes on (sadly).
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of up-days, spiraling down to down-days. Some days I feel like all the energy in my being is getting exercised just while trying to speak in soft, kind tones until I reach the point where I have exhausted every ounce. That can be a scary point to reach. It usually takes me to one of two places. Either myself doing or saying things I regret, or me, on my knees, literally begging for someone to take over. Both involve lots of tears. One ends in sorrow and regret, the other ends in awe, light, gratitude, and joy.
The point I want to stress is that no matter how I feel, I still have a choice. I am responsible for my choices, and therefore deserving of the consequences. No matter how little sleep I'm running on, how much my bones are tired and head aches, how frustrating the situation is, I will still be responsible for my choices.
Today was one such day where I just haven't seen much light or done much to be proud of. I'm at the bottom of the cycle. My day even started with prayer and scripture study, yet there I sat, with a pounding headache and tears on my shirt. I'll spare the details of the day, but somehow I ended up here. Some things are just too great to be mere coincidence. I know I was supposed to hear this and when I did, my body was wracked with chills mingled with sobs.
To all of you mothers, future mothers, good women who want to be mothers, I admire you so much.
This work is HARD.
This work is HARD.
There is no simpler or more honest way to put it.
Please watch this and know, as I was reminded, that
there is no greater work.
(and just in case you didn't click on one of the links....)
5 comments:
That is a great video. It's wonderful how the Spirit will guide you to exactly the things you need on certain days.
thanks Jill. Its what i needed also.
Jill thanks for sharing this. You are a great Mommy to Jack and Jayci. Know we love you all so much and you are in our prayers always. Life can be very overwhelming at times. I know if we rely on the Lord to help carry our load we will be women of great Strength. Love you :D
I can definitely relate to those feelings. I was telling John how being a mother changes you. Before you havekids, you serve when you feel like it or when it is convenient, so it is easy to do. But with kids, you are serving 24 hours every single day. You don't get to take a break if you are sick or tired. You don't get to go chill by yourself until you are in a better mood. You have to be serving all the time, even when you are at rock bottom, your kids will still be needing you. I've definitely been there where I have NO patience left in me (all kids throwing up, sick, etc), and it always amazed me when the Lord shows me that not only can He compensate for my spiritual weaknesses, but for my physical ones as well. I'm glad you posted this because I've been on the lower end of things lately and needed a reminder :)
I loved that talk of Hollands'. Thanks for sharing,....very uplifting.
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