Xander is 5 Months

On the 19th of August Xander turned 5 months old.  Wow, how time flies!  

He is still such a tender little heart.  He's such a good baby!  He's been a little bit sick this week with a cold, so that has thrown him off a bit.  With a cold he sleeps much better in his swing because he's propped up and can breath better, but normally he sleeps like a little champ in his crib.  

Some things that mommy wants to remember about you at this age:

-You still think it's funny to get your bum wiped

-You still only go poop once a week, on average

-You pass THE STINKIEST gas EVER!!!  HOLY MOSES! 

-You try to roll over.  I know you CAN do it, you just still love laying on your back and looking around. 

-You've rolled from stomach to back a few times, but each time, I've missed it.  One minute you are on your tummy, and the next time I look you are on your back!  One of these times I'll actually see you do it!

-You love Mama's milk and won't drink formula.  You are also a pill about taking a bottle for me.  Anyone else? No problem.  Secretly I LOVE it!  I'm glad you prefer me the most!  I love that you turn your head and try to eat my shirt when I try to give you a bottle.  From day one you have been an awesome little nurser and I have loved everything about it.  

-You laugh and giggle alot now and it's the most contagious sound.  You especially giggle alot when daddy kisses your neck because his whiskers tickle  you.  

-You love grabbing anything in sight and are becoming more coordinated with the objects you grab.  -You love holding and chewing on all your little teethers and toys.  

-You are still a pro at constantly taking your binky out, but then get mad because someone took your binky out!

-You just might be a shy little guy.  We went to some wedding receptions and anyone who talked to you made you cry and cry!  I think all the new and unfamiliar faces were scary to you. 

-You tried rice cereal for the first time 2 weeks ago and have grown to love it.

-You still love to be on your changing table and kick your chubby legs

-You grin at me every time I approach you, and whimper if I walk away without picking you up.  Of course I always give in.  How can I resist that? 

-You've found your voice and love to make it heard.   You chatter it up, especially in the car.

-You still love to sleep, and sleep long hours in the night and during nap time.  (Thank you!!!)

We love you to pieces little chubba wubba!

Raw

Tonight Jess read to the kids on the couch while I sat across the room in the rocker to nurse Xander.  He fell asleep nursing so we said prayers and Jess left to put the kids to bed.  I turned my sleeping baby down and laid him on my chest with his soft, fuzzy head against my neck, right where I could just kiss and smell him.  Jess finished with the kids and came upstairs and turned my light off, letting me just soak in this precious time. 

There in the dark my senses were strong.  My thoughts were alert.  My emotions were raw.  I went back to "that day".  It's been almost 2 months now and I still get hit with hard emotions, even grief, every now and then.  If I still feel this "messed up", I can't even imagine what my life would look like if our accident didn't end happy.  

I still can't believe that happened.  I can't believe my son drowned with me sitting 10 feet away.  I can't believe I pulled his lifeless body out of the pool.  I can't believe my precious 5 year old had to be given CPR.  I can't believe someone so full of life slipped away and had to be brought back.  

I can't believe it!

Yet, it's real.  

The images have been stamped in my mind, in permanent ink, always there to remind me, always there saying, "There ya go. Believe it."  And then I believe it.  And it hurts.  The guilt is strong and debilitating. Not as strong as it was in the beginning when I felt it constantly, but every now and then I go back to what I almost let happen, and it's hard.

And then I get a living, breathing reminder that Heavenly Father was there that day.  He knew exactly what was going to happen and prepared a way for my son to stay with us.  (More on that in another post.  I plan to share "the story" sometime.) 

As I put Xander in his bed and kissed his sweet head, my tears dripped in his hair.  Tears that started out so full of grief and guilt now fall as tears of joy.  Tears of gratitude. I can't believe how blessed I am.  I can't believe how much Heavenly Father cares.  Not only about my little ones, but about me.  About my feelings.  He's been through a lot worse with his own son.   I can't believe he still showers me with blessings.  And yet...

It's real.

Remember Gumby?

After our family reunion at 7 peaks in triple degree weather, Jess took the kids jeeping and didn't get home until 10:30 tonight.  I think they were just a bit tired, no?

Good thing they are bendy!

My Twinners...

...born 5 and a half years apart.

Can you tell who's who?

Hint:  Jack's were taken in December, 2005, hence the sweater and presents.

Xander's were taken in July, 2011.

Both babies are in their fourth month.

I was shocked at the resemblance when I compared these pictures.

Both are so darn, stinkin, cute!!!

Mud