Tonight Jess read to the kids on the couch while I sat across the room in the rocker to nurse Xander. He fell asleep nursing so we said prayers and Jess left to put the kids to bed. I turned my sleeping baby down and laid him on my chest with his soft, fuzzy head against my neck, right where I could just kiss and smell him. Jess finished with the kids and came upstairs and turned my light off, letting me just soak in this precious time.
There in the dark my senses were strong. My thoughts were alert. My emotions were raw. I went back to "that day". It's been almost 2 months now and I still get hit with hard emotions, even grief, every now and then. If I still feel this "messed up", I can't even imagine what my life would look like if our accident didn't end happy.
I still can't believe that happened. I can't believe my son drowned with me sitting 10 feet away. I can't believe I pulled his lifeless body out of the pool. I can't believe my precious 5 year old had to be given CPR. I can't believe someone so full of life slipped away and had to be brought back.
I can't believe it!
Yet, it's real.
The images have been stamped in my mind, in permanent ink, always there to remind me, always there saying, "There ya go. Believe it." And then I believe it. And it hurts. The guilt is strong and debilitating. Not as strong as it was in the beginning when I felt it constantly, but every now and then I go back to what I almost let happen, and it's hard.
And then I get a living, breathing reminder that Heavenly Father was there that day. He knew exactly what was going to happen and prepared a way for my son to stay with us. (More on that in another post. I plan to share "the story" sometime.)
As I put Xander in his bed and kissed his sweet head, my tears dripped in his hair. Tears that started out so full of grief and guilt now fall as tears of joy. Tears of gratitude. I can't believe how blessed I am. I can't believe how much Heavenly Father cares. Not only about my little ones, but about me. About my feelings. He's been through a lot worse with his own son. I can't believe he still showers me with blessings. And yet...
It's real.
3 comments:
Jill, your words are truly from your heart. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel. Please know that I believe you are an incredible mother. Your children are so blessed to not only have their physical needs met but also to know that they are loved unconditionally by their parents. Not all children are so privileged and many go on in life searching for that kind of love, that only a parent can give. Forgive yourself, accidents happen. Of the 300+ drownings that occur every year in the US, 10% were unsupervised. Don't dwell on sad thoughts too often, use them as a brief reminder of the great mercies our heavenly father and live each day to the fullest.
Beautiful writing Jill. I am so grateful for your testimony and that Jack is okay. Perfect post
You are a precious, beautiful mother and would do anything for your sweet children. You take the best of care of them. My heart hurts for you...knowing that your mind replays the event. Knowing from experience, time helps. Your written thoughts were very poignant. We all love you and admire the mother and father you and Jess are to your children. They are very blessed to have you.
Post a Comment